Draco's Mansion of Madness
by Perilous Mango Ninja
Summary: OK, now if you dislike weird humor, you probably shouldn't read this. Yea... we find out who and what is REALLY in Draco's mansion... muahahahaha....if you don't like it, don't blame me. You made the choice. I just wrote it.


Author's Note: You, my dearest reader, are reading the product of me + a lot of sugar

WARNING: IF YOU DISLIKE TASTELESS HUMOR, YOU SHOULD NOT READ THIS FANFIC.

Author's Note: You, my dearest reader, are reading the product of me + a lot of sugar.And I mean _a lot_.If you don't like it, don't read it, but if you _do _like it, this is probably going to go on my list of about…uh … a lot of unfinished fics.Oh, well.Just enjoy it, and if you don't, pick up a very large book and whack yourself multiple times with it.

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On a dark, dank day (don't you just *love* alliteration??), the infamous, ferocious Lucius Malfoy (who is as ugly as his name) tried to beat up the author of this story, but failed because the author is Omnipotent (with a capital letter!).The author thinks that Lucius Malfoy (who is still as ugly as his name) should not rebel against the Omnipotent!The author also thinks she should start over.

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On a dark, dank day, the infamous Lucius Malfoy (who is as ugly as his name) was beating his son, Draco Malfoy (who should rightfully rule the world… with the author) with a toothpick.The author thinks she should probably start over again.

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On a dark, dank day, the infamous Lucius Malfoy (who is **_still_** as ugly as his stupid name) was beating his son, Draco Malfoy (who should rule the _universe_… with the author) with a whip normally reserved for whales (even though you don't whip whales).However, before Draco was seriously hurt, the author swooped in on her magnificent (drum roll, please!) flying lampshade and saved him.

"Hey!" yelled Lucius, "You can't do that!"

"Oh, yeah?" retorted the author, "Well, guess what!"

"What?" he inquired.

"Chicken butt!" screeched the author, collapsing into Fits of Insane Laughter with Draco.

Omnipotent Author (Hey!That has a nice ring to it!!) and Draco appeared in front of Lucius.However, when he tried to grab them or hex them, they disappear momentarily (not go invisible… more like and much cleaner and simpler Apparation… the Omnipotent type).After a while of this, Omnipotent Author got tired of it (OK, bored, but "tired" sounds _so_ much better), so she stated, "Enough," using her Omnipotent Voice and lazily waved her hand so that Lucius was rendered helpless.Thinking briefly, she giggled and sent him to the Realm of the Insane Wild Flitter Glue! (A horrible, **_horrible_** fate!) Now that they were alone, Omnipotent Author and Draco stared into each other's eyes, moving closer and closer to each other, until their lips were about to meet.

"Hey!" yelled a voice, "A kazoo!"

Turning, a furious Omnipotent Author gazed upon the intruders, who were none other than Harry Potter (the nosy, stuck-up git), Ron Weasley (the idiot!), and Hermione Granger (the irritating know-it-all!).(A/N: Ever notice that Harry's friends are all nerds while the Slytherins are really cool?At least, I think the Slytherins are cool.With several exceptions, of course.*~Proceeds to list just about everybody in Slytherin~*)

"Whoa," gasped Ron, "What kind of spell did he have to use to make you want to kiss **_him_**?!"

With vehemence (A/N: Joy!A vocabulary word!One extra point for me!*~Gleefully waves her point in your face~*), Omnipotent Author glared, wishing she had learned the Omnipotent ability to shoot fire out of her eyes.She then proceeded to tell Ron off, informing him of the fact that spells did not affect her, then adding an extensive vocabulary of swear words before shooting fire out of her eyes anyways.(Ron wasn't burnt _too badly… *evil chuckle*)Everyone stared at her, impressed by her language, even Voldemort._

"VOLDEMORT?!"WHAT THE (insert bad word) ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" screeched the furious Omnipotent Author.

"Waiting for my date," he replied nonchalantly. (Another vocabulary word; another point for me!None for you! Hahahaha![Despite the fact that the points only give me satisfaction])

"Your **_WHAT_**?!" asked everyone in complete disbelief.

"My date," he replied, "I'm not **really** the Dark Lord; I am actually the Dart Lord.I later found that killing people was more fun than playing darts.Care for a game of darts, anyone?"With that, a dartboard, along with several darts, appeared on a table that wasn't really there.

Everyone merely stared at him in incredulity.At that moment, Professor McGonagall appeared, dressed in bellbottom jeans, a tight, sexy top that revealed her stomach, exposing a bellybutton ring and enormous hoop earrings.In other words, it was the perfect outfit for a, well, perhaps a twenty-year-old or so (you may disagree with me if you wish), but certainly not for Professor McGonagall.

"Hello, my dear Minerva," Voldemort greeted her.

"Greetings, my dearest Dart Lord," she replied.

It started with a simple kiss.It turned into a French kiss, and then they began… erm… snogging.Screaming, everybody ran out of the room, locked the door multiple times (how did they do this?Who knows? Who cares?), and proceeded to get extremely sick.They then all went to the Malfoy Mansion because they had no better place to go.

In the Great Hall (of the Malfoy Mansion, DUH!!!) they discovered none other than Albus Dumbledore bouncing up and down insanely with a way-too-happy smile on his face (which could have potentially broken or even exploded at any second), screaming, "BRUSSELS SPROUTS RULE!" until he hit his abnormally large head on the crystal chandelier and collapsed in a little pile of books on the marble floor.Screaming, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and Omnipotent Author ran out of the room, terrified.(Yes… again… but wouldn't _you be terrified if you saw such a sight?)_

In Great Hall #2, (it's not a mansion for nothing, you know!!) they encountered some dementors, who were cheerfully playing Double Dutch.(Hey, you can't see their faces, but who would be anything other than cheerful while playing Double Dutch?)Harry, Ron, and Hermione gave shouts of ecstasy, then skipped over to join them.Omnipotent Author and Draco then went into Great Hall #451 (I _told you it wasn't a mansion for nothing!).Unfortunately, they encountered the famous Viktor Krum peeing upside down with no arms.Grinning at them, he politely asked (as if he was doing something __normal) if they would like to join them.(And now we know what celebrities do in their spare time)Their only response was to scream and run into Great Hall #34,756 (OK, so __maybe it's a castle…), where they found Cedric Diggory, back from the dead.They first saw his back, but as they stepped into the hall, Omnipotent Author's heels clicked on the tiled floor, and Cedric turned suddenly, chewing on a rainbow-colored penguin.Before they could scream and run away, Draco and Omnipotent Author yelled, "NO!I'M TIRED OF SCREAMING AND RUNNING AWAY!AND EVERYTHING'S SO SCARY!"But they screamed and ran outside anyways.There, they found a flower.Draco picked it and gave it to Omnipotent Author.It died._

THE END.

Author's Note: I do not own anybody except for Omnipotent Author because that's me.I also own the dead flower.I am responsible for everything messed up in here and all of the pathetic humor is the result of sugar.I probably need some insulin now, since I ate so much sugar (I'm not diabetic) but I just _loooooooove sugar!I'm __so addicted to Jelly Belly's!Yum yum yum!So review, and if you send me any flames, I will use it to roast my marshmallows and make s'mores and get more hyper and write more stuff like this.So flame away!_

P.S. If anybody is interested becoming my beta reader, e-mail me or leave a note here.


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